


No Pregrets

by DoubleStashed



Category: Agents of Cracked, Cracked - Ambiguous Fandom, Cracked.com
Genre: And even though they did kiss each other hard enough that they made each other bleed., Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Even though the actors play characters with the same names as them., M/M, This story isn't RPS.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 18:28:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleStashed/pseuds/DoubleStashed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An extended scene from the 'Agents of Cracked' episode "Why a Co-Worker Threesome is a Bad Idea" AKA F.U.B.A.R.king Up the Wrong Tree (www.cracked.com/video_18282_f.u.b.a.r.-king-up-wrong-tree.html), plus, a little extra for after the 'Agents of Cracked' finale (http://www.cracked.com/video_18291_the-plot-twistingest-finale-in-history-final-episodes.html).</p><p> </p><p>Watch the videos again!  If we're bastardizing their work, the least we can do is give their site a higher view count!  :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Pregrets

**Author's Note:**

> AoC doesn't belong to me. Since this work isn't beta-ed, however, all of the errors in grammar, tense and spelling do.

Dan O'Brien was about to get laid, and it felt like it was the worst day of his life.

Across the room from him, Kellie Wheeler ( _his_ Kellie Wheeler!) stared at him, wearing a slightly-bored expression. He avoided her eyes, concentrating on undoing his belt. He could feel her gaze on him, even as he stalled having to take off his pants and turned to put the belt on a chair.

As he turned the door burst open, making a loud crash against the wall as Michael dashed in, his hands full of Hot Wheels and an apple clenched in his teeth. He skidded to a stop, took one look at Dan and threw the tiny cars all over the floor.

"Take off your PANTS!!" He demanded, devouring the apple with one hand while taking his shirt off with the other and closing the door with his foot. "Right now!"

"Michael, uhmm," Dan stammered, holding has hands up in a fending-off gesture in front of his bare chest. "I really don't think I can do..." he trailed off as Michael continued to devour the apple, pausing only to grab Dan's vest off the floor and wipe some off the apple-juice off his face. Dan paused, then refocused. "Seriously dude, are you going to tell me what's going on with the apple?"

"I injected it with heroin." Michael grinned, finishing the last bite and throwing the apple behind him, hitting someone's computer monitor. "This way, the train pulls into H-Town at the same time as my dick... train... pulls into.... Whatever. Best friends threesome!" He attempted a high-five, but slapped Dan on the back instead when he didn't respond.

Dan ignored him and stared into the distance, fumbling with his fly and trying to come to grips with the situation. He didn't even realize Kellie had moved until suddenly she was right in front of him, so close that he could smell her perfume. "Let's do this!" she exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of her feet as if she was about to go bungee-jumping or bear-wrestling or whatever. She pulled her shirt off over her head and grinned at the two of them. "A Cracked threesome! Wait 'til they hear about this back home!"

Dan leaned in to kiss her but she was already moving behind him, getting between him and Michael and reaching down to caress his noticeable erection. Instead Dan hurriedly finished taking off his pants, feeling like he was being left behind and trying to ignore his internal monologue.

"Yep, there's the girl of my dreams.... and she's going down on Swaim." Dan muttered to himself, trying his best to get his dick hard while Kellie sunk to her knees in front of Michael. "At least Michael seems excited that I'm here." he thought to himself, as the other man gave him a big grin and an excited thumbs-up. Michael pointed down towards Kellie and mouthed "Go Fighting Hogs!!" at him.

"Dan," Kellie ordered from the floor, "Come over here next to Michael." She expertly grabbed one of their dicks in each hand, stroking them in unison before licking one, then the other.

Dan closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the experience, but as things heated up the fart noises started. At first they were barely noticeable, tiny little 'pbbts' as their dicks brushed against each other. Once Kellie really started to go down on the two of them, though, their dicks were almost constantly in contact and Swaim started the longest string of terrible, wet fart noises imaginable.

"Michael!" Dan flailed at Swaim's face with both hands, trying to hit him and cover his mouth at the same time. "Can't you be normal for, like, ten minutes? Please. Oh my god, please."

Swain straightened his red sunglasses and looked hurt. "I don't make the rules Dan, I just follow them."

"But you did! You did! It's your stupid rule! Oh my god..." Dan railed at him, but trailed off as Kellie did something interesting with her tongue.

Kellie leaned back to look at the two of them, then stood up to take off her pants. "Let's hurry this up. I've got a blimp to catch." 

Allowing himself to be guided by Michael's shoving and Kellie's urging, Dan pushed up against her in the corner of the room, Michael right next to him. She was moaning and giggling now, and giving them what she probably thought was a sexy pout. She pulled Dan's face down to her breasts, and he tried to focus, tried to block out the farting noises and the stupid-looking pout and the fact that her perfume that was giving him a headache. He tried to remember that this was Kellie Wheeler, the girl he'd fantasized about for years. His dream girl.

"Ohh yeah, give it to me Swaim!" Kellie shouted.

"Oh God," he gasped, pulling away. Michael was already inside her, pumping away and looking at him over his shoulder with a look of concern. "Dude, you've got to get in here. It's a threesome. In a minute the heroin's gonna kick in and I won't be able to coach you anymore!"

"Michael," Dan practically sobbed as the other man grabbed him by the arm and pulled him closer. "I really don't think I can do this."

Michael got his arm around Dan's shoulders, pulling him close until their foreheads were almost touching. His breath still smelled like the apple he'd eaten, and it blocked out the smell of Kellie's perfume. "Come on T-Bone." Michael whispered, slipping his arm down and wrapping his hand around Dan's flagging erection.

Dan tried not to whimper. "That isn't my name. You know that, right? ... Right?"

The only response he got was a long string of fart noises as Michael slowly guided him into Kellie. She gasped, swearing and moaning as all three of them began to move against each other.

Michael’s apple-breath was playing against his face, and Michael’s hands were grabbing at him just as much as Kellie’s were (probably more, to be honest) and Michael was making fart noises right in his ear - but suddenly it was good. It was so good, and so hot. 

After the first few minutes Michael even stopped making fart noises and Dan gave a silent sigh of relief. Soon, though, Michael was leaning against Dan so that his stubble was rubbing against his shoulder and neck, drooling slightly. He kept drilling into Kellie, even though he was pretty much unconscious.

"Michael?" Dan whispered to him, trying to move so Swaim wasn't draped over him. “Crap, it’s the heroin, isn’t it? MICHAEL!”

Michael's eyes popped open and he stood up straight. "Whaaa.... oh man am I smashed! Oh hey, are we having sex??!" He looked down, and then up at Dan and grinned. "Awesome!"

"We are having a threesome!!" Dan hissed at him. "Honestly, how do you forget about committing a sex-act while you're committing it? You’re actually penetrating someone right now, how could you forget about something like that?"

"Dude, there was a lot of heroin in that apple. I literally cannot feel my feet right now. Or anything below the waist, really. Except for my HUGE BONER! Seriously, look at this thing!" Michael grabbed both of their cocks in one hand, presumably to illustrate how huge his boner was. Their two dicks slid against each other, trapped in the warm, wet friction of Michael's hand. 

“Shit,” Dan gasped, trying to thrust into Michael’s hand and pull away at the same time. “Michael, quit it. Michael!”

Dan came, all over Kellie Wheeler's stomach. Shrugging, Michael rubbed the two of them together a few more times and then he came too.

Still looking bored, Kellie just picked up Dan's apple-stained vest off the floor and used it to clean herself off.

~~~

 

Kellie Wheeler was gone. She was the girl of his dreams, and she was gone, and he was never going to see her again. Dan sighed and pulled the blanket draped across his shoulders closer.

Next to him, Swaim looked mournfully at his empty ice cream cone. He sighed too, then looked up at Dan. “Do you know what I regret?”

“What YOU regret?” Dan felt himself starting to splutter, felt that all-too-familiar rage from all of the bullshit that Michael had put him through. “What could YOU POSSIBLY regret?? Are you even CAPABLE of regret? You know what, I -”

Michael cut him off, casually taking a crunchy bite of the dry cone. “It should have been lightsabre noises. That would have been way better.”

He grinned at Dan, is mouth spraying crumbs everywhere. “NEXT time, lightsabres for sure. Or hey! How about farm animal noises?”

Dan opened his mouth but no sound came out. Swallowing audibly, he tried again. “What do you mean, next time?”

Michael produced a hot wheels car from his pocket and placed it inside the ice cream cone before offering it to Dan. “Know what's funny? The way you yelled my name when you came. Best friends threesome!”

~~~

 

(an indeterminate amount of time later)

 

It was quiet up in the blimp. As they travelled, they left the sounds of angry, spat-upon children behind them.

On the floor of the blimp's basket, Dan was idly tucking himself back into his pants and wiping at his face.

“Hey, am I bleeding? From my nose? I'm pretty sure you kissed me so hard you made my nose bleed.”

Swaim lifted his head up slightly to look at Dan. “Yeah, that'll happen. You aren't the first person to mention that.” He put his head back down, but then brought a hand up to his mouth. “Oh hey, look! You split my lip! That wasn't your blood I was tasting, it was mine!”

Dan raised one eyebrow. “You _usually_ make people bleed when you kiss them?” 

Swaim shrugged. “Yeah, no biggie. Hey, you should get some sleep,” he grinned as Dan lay down next to him. “Because once we're on the ground, I'm _totally_ going to fuck you in a grain silo.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are my fuel. Criticism welcome!


End file.
